Prompt: Write a review
If neighbors were oysters, this one takes the pearl.
A stupendous neighbor! A great worrying.
If you’re looking for someone to give you
early gray hairs and a cigarette-dotted back yard,
Look no further! Take my wonderful neighbor.
This one will keep you up all night with their
loud music! With the way they’ll crank up the
volume so loud, you can hear it two houses
down the alley! Look no further! The convenience
of living three houses from the corner. You’ll
get multiple garbage bins overflowing with
rubbish from constantly rotating tenants
whose habits defy logic! When it’s moving day,
they’ll toss bed frames, couches, old TVs, glass
from the third floor of their dwelling. You’ll hear
the crash from inside your kitchen! And can I
mention the view — from your back yard,
unsupervised kids from the third floor can lob
water balloons aimed at your toddler, or BB gun
pellets aimed for the squirrels, but you get
the tiny, little orange plastic pellets right in your ear!
And the music! Let’s just say the mean old deaf lady
will call the cops if you call the cops on her, and the cops
will yell back, “We ARE the cops!” She’ll be your favorite.
From her first floor apartment she’ll play tepid 80s ballads
or 90s rap by unknowns! You’ll love the way the bass
makes patternless thumps through your walls thick enough
to repel polar vortices, but defenseless against narrated music,
turned up at 8 p.m., kept going overnight. She’ll shut her door
to neighborhood cops from writing a noise ticket, who’ll
show up at your beck and call to stop her from pretending
there’s a Monday night party all winter, spring, summer, fall long.